several recent situations have really challenged me to evaluate who i am at the core of my being. what are my primary identifying characteristics? what are my convictions? who am i when no one's looking?
this is a short working list:
grace, forgiveness
hospitality, generosity, open hands
justice - equal opportunities for all
encouragement
community, fulfilling observed needs, feeling needed
... rather, this is who i want to be.
"Not that I have already obtained this or have already reached the goal; but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Beloved, I do not consider that I have made it my own; but this one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal for the prize of the heavenly call of God in Christ Jesus." --Philippians 3:12-14
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
still moving in, getting settled
i'm not a very good roommate. i mean, i'm neat and i contribute to the shared grocery money every week, but i fear that i'm not good at living with people.
i'm not good at figuring out ways to remind my roommates to do their dishes or to tell them to sweep off the sidewalk after they mow. i'm not good at remembering to ask how their days went, what went well and what went poorly. i'm not good at turning my alarm clock off, even when it rings a thousand times.
and i like to be alone, to have a room all to myself. it's weird sitting in the same room with someone who i don't feel very comfortable with, or loyal to, or loved by. when i come home from work, i just want to be alone and relax, go through my thoughts.
but the thing is, i DO want somebody to debrief with when i come home. i want a best friend to live with. i want to be understood and loved and comforted and encouraged.
but right now, that's not really happening. i lost a best friend, and the process of replacing that relationship is so slow.
maybe i'm being pessimistic right now, and everything will be fine again tomorrow.
i'm not good at figuring out ways to remind my roommates to do their dishes or to tell them to sweep off the sidewalk after they mow. i'm not good at remembering to ask how their days went, what went well and what went poorly. i'm not good at turning my alarm clock off, even when it rings a thousand times.
and i like to be alone, to have a room all to myself. it's weird sitting in the same room with someone who i don't feel very comfortable with, or loyal to, or loved by. when i come home from work, i just want to be alone and relax, go through my thoughts.
but the thing is, i DO want somebody to debrief with when i come home. i want a best friend to live with. i want to be understood and loved and comforted and encouraged.
but right now, that's not really happening. i lost a best friend, and the process of replacing that relationship is so slow.
maybe i'm being pessimistic right now, and everything will be fine again tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
jayber knows.
"But the worst day of all was when it hit me that Jesus' own most fervent prayer was refused: 'Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me; nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.' I must have read that verse or heard it a hundred times before without seeing or hearing. Maybe I didn't want to see it. But then one day I saw it. It just knocked me in the head. This, I thought, is what is meant by 'thy will be done' in the Lord's Prayer, which I had prayed time and again without thinking about it. It means that your will and God's will may not be the same. It means there's a good possibility that you won't get what you pray for. It means that in spite of your prayers you are going to suffer. It means you may be crucified.
After Jesus' terrible prayer at Gethsemane, an angel came to Him and gave Him strength, but did not remove the cup.
Before that time I may have had my doubts about public prayers, but I had listened to them complacently enough, even when they were for the football team. I had prayed my own private prayers complacently enough, asking for things I wanted, even though I knew well already that a lot of things I wanted I was not going to get, no matter how much I prayed for them.
But now I was unsure what it would be proper to pray for, or how to pray for it. After you have said 'thy will be done,' what more can be said? And where do you find the strength to pray 'thy will be done' after you see what it means?
And what did these questions do to my understanding of all the prayers I had ever heard and prayed? And what did they do to the possibility that I could stand before a congregation--my congregation, who would believe that I knew what I was doing--and pray for favorable weather, a good harvest, the recovery of the sick and the strayed, victory in war? Does prayer change God's mind? If God's mind can be changed by the wants and wishes of us mere humans, as if deferring to our better judgment, what is the point of praying to Him [or Her] at all? And what are we to think when two good people pray for opposite things--as when two devout mothers of soldiers on opposite sides pray for the safety of their sons, or for victory?
...
By then I wasn't just asking questions; I was being changed by them. I was being changed by my prayers, which dwindled down nearer and nearer to silence, which weren't confrontations with God but with the difficulty--in my own mind, or in the human lot--of knowing what or how to pray. Lying awake at night, I could feel myself being changed--into what, I had no idea. It was worse than wondering if I had received the call. I wasn't just a student or a going-to-be-preacher anymore. I was a lost traveler wandering in the woods, needing to be on my way somewhere but not knowing where."
from the writings of Wendell Berry in the narrative of Jayber Crow
After Jesus' terrible prayer at Gethsemane, an angel came to Him and gave Him strength, but did not remove the cup.
Before that time I may have had my doubts about public prayers, but I had listened to them complacently enough, even when they were for the football team. I had prayed my own private prayers complacently enough, asking for things I wanted, even though I knew well already that a lot of things I wanted I was not going to get, no matter how much I prayed for them.
But now I was unsure what it would be proper to pray for, or how to pray for it. After you have said 'thy will be done,' what more can be said? And where do you find the strength to pray 'thy will be done' after you see what it means?
And what did these questions do to my understanding of all the prayers I had ever heard and prayed? And what did they do to the possibility that I could stand before a congregation--my congregation, who would believe that I knew what I was doing--and pray for favorable weather, a good harvest, the recovery of the sick and the strayed, victory in war? Does prayer change God's mind? If God's mind can be changed by the wants and wishes of us mere humans, as if deferring to our better judgment, what is the point of praying to Him [or Her] at all? And what are we to think when two good people pray for opposite things--as when two devout mothers of soldiers on opposite sides pray for the safety of their sons, or for victory?
...
By then I wasn't just asking questions; I was being changed by them. I was being changed by my prayers, which dwindled down nearer and nearer to silence, which weren't confrontations with God but with the difficulty--in my own mind, or in the human lot--of knowing what or how to pray. Lying awake at night, I could feel myself being changed--into what, I had no idea. It was worse than wondering if I had received the call. I wasn't just a student or a going-to-be-preacher anymore. I was a lost traveler wandering in the woods, needing to be on my way somewhere but not knowing where."
from the writings of Wendell Berry in the narrative of Jayber Crow
Friday, August 8, 2008
"anxiety is the inability to be present."
what am i anxious about?
1) things not turning out the way i expected them to
2) not being good enough, prepared enough, deep enough, compassionate enough,... not having the answers
3) in 5 years not having realized at least some of the aspects of my idealized hippie dream life... see number 1
4) not living my life to the fullest
1) things not turning out the way i expected them to
2) not being good enough, prepared enough, deep enough, compassionate enough,... not having the answers
3) in 5 years not having realized at least some of the aspects of my idealized hippie dream life... see number 1
4) not living my life to the fullest
Saturday, July 26, 2008
presence vs. purpose... and prayer
on Sunday at the First Nations Gathering in New Mexico, the pastor spoke about well, spoke about a lot of things. but one thing that got my attention was a deep reminder of God's presence with us. as i turned these words over and over in my mind, i realized that i've been focusing so much on God's purposes (and therefore my purpose in this world) that i've nearly forgotten the continuous presence of the Spirit. i think i do this because i understand God primarily as an academic. i've never really related to God on an emotional relationship-with-Jesus level. rather my spirituality has been rational, fairly systematic and idea-based, and i've been so caught up in learning-centered spiritual growth that i forget about the more mystical, unexplainable possibilities--such as the presence of the Spirit.
and i know we're supposed to pray without ceasing, and on an academic level, i wholeheartedly subscribe to this idea. yet in practice, it's another story. i think i use the praying-without-ceasing concept as a justification for not taking responsibility for my own spiritual health. if i'm in the Spirit's presence constantly, then there's no need to set aside specific periods of time to pray, right?
i was reading through some of my journal entries from last year at about this time, and it's surprising how jaded i've become. i used to scribble little prayers or reminders for myself on the bottoms of pages, but now all i can manage to put on paper is my laments (and they're not even good biblical laments because i can't bring myself to express a hope that God will restore the situation). why is life in this season so different?
and i know we're supposed to pray without ceasing, and on an academic level, i wholeheartedly subscribe to this idea. yet in practice, it's another story. i think i use the praying-without-ceasing concept as a justification for not taking responsibility for my own spiritual health. if i'm in the Spirit's presence constantly, then there's no need to set aside specific periods of time to pray, right?
i was reading through some of my journal entries from last year at about this time, and it's surprising how jaded i've become. i used to scribble little prayers or reminders for myself on the bottoms of pages, but now all i can manage to put on paper is my laments (and they're not even good biblical laments because i can't bring myself to express a hope that God will restore the situation). why is life in this season so different?
Saturday, July 12, 2008
i can't do it
i just need other people around. everybody has left me, and i've experienced this acutely in the past month: i am not ok alone. i need other people, but who? who cares about me anymore? and not in a pity way, but in a genuine way.
life is so meaningless if there aren't people to share it with, you know?
i don't want my life to be this way, but it's hard to change and i often don't know how.
life is so meaningless if there aren't people to share it with, you know?
i don't want my life to be this way, but it's hard to change and i often don't know how.
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