presence vs. purpose... and prayer

on Sunday at the First Nations Gathering in New Mexico, the pastor spoke about well, spoke about a lot of things. but one thing that got my attention was a deep reminder of God's presence with us. as i turned these words over and over in my mind, i realized that i've been focusing so much on God's purposes (and therefore my purpose in this world) that i've nearly forgotten the continuous presence of the Spirit. i think i do this because i understand God primarily as an academic. i've never really related to God on an emotional relationship-with-Jesus level. rather my spirituality has been rational, fairly systematic and idea-based, and i've been so caught up in learning-centered spiritual growth that i forget about the more mystical, unexplainable possibilities--such as the presence of the Spirit.

and i know we're supposed to pray without ceasing, and on an academic level, i wholeheartedly subscribe to this idea. yet in practice, it's another story. i think i use the praying-without-ceasing concept as a justification for not taking responsibility for my own spiritual health. if i'm in the Spirit's presence constantly, then there's no need to set aside specific periods of time to pray, right?

i was reading through some of my journal entries from last year at about this time, and it's surprising how jaded i've become. i used to scribble little prayers or reminders for myself on the bottoms of pages, but now all i can manage to put on paper is my laments (and they're not even good biblical laments because i can't bring myself to express a hope that God will restore the situation). why is life in this season so different?

i can't do it

i just need other people around. everybody has left me, and i've experienced this acutely in the past month: i am not ok alone. i need other people, but who? who cares about me anymore? and not in a pity way, but in a genuine way.

life is so meaningless if there aren't people to share it with, you know?

i don't want my life to be this way, but it's hard to change and i often don't know how.