springtime reflections

i think i've been so busy for so long that, when those rare times come when i don't have much actual work to do, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't have much of a social network outside of my work-related or assignment-related tasks, and i'm not even sure if i know how to build one. i don't have any hobbies that i've been consistently pursuing, or any sports teams to feel included in. i feel like i don't have a core group of friends, a la the three musketeers. funny, that i find myself lonely while i'm surrounded by people.

i blame this on depression/anxiety. which is funny, because a year ago, i refused and denied and hated those two words.

Lord, transform me.

i can't handle this semester anymore

ok, here i am, God. sick, stressed--no, overwhelmed--at a loss for motivation to do anything involving schoolwork. and it's kinda terrible. i feel bad because i'm not doing anything, and then i feel bad because i feel bad about not doing anything. like a vicious cycle.

this semester is getting tougher than i thought. am i overcommitted, or am i too much of a perfectionist (still)? i don't want to do anything--not even things that i usually like to do. i just want to sleep all the time. but, the thing is, i have things to be looking forward to: time off campus this weekend, service day, apartment searching with megan, mom's birthday, the end of the semester, bachelorette/commencement, israel, the summer. i just can't get excited about any of these things. is it because i'm worried about the academics? is it because i'm just tired of thinking critically all the time?

Oh be the music in my head,
the air around my bed, oh be my rest.
Replace the small disgraces of
the times and places that I never really left.
Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead.
And you're standing in tomorrow on the runway.

i don't know what this means, but i discovered it today (a la a mix cd left here by eliza), and i think it's kinda beautiful.