springtime reflections

i think i've been so busy for so long that, when those rare times come when i don't have much actual work to do, i don't know what to do with myself. i don't have much of a social network outside of my work-related or assignment-related tasks, and i'm not even sure if i know how to build one. i don't have any hobbies that i've been consistently pursuing, or any sports teams to feel included in. i feel like i don't have a core group of friends, a la the three musketeers. funny, that i find myself lonely while i'm surrounded by people.

i blame this on depression/anxiety. which is funny, because a year ago, i refused and denied and hated those two words.

Lord, transform me.

i can't handle this semester anymore

ok, here i am, God. sick, stressed--no, overwhelmed--at a loss for motivation to do anything involving schoolwork. and it's kinda terrible. i feel bad because i'm not doing anything, and then i feel bad because i feel bad about not doing anything. like a vicious cycle.

this semester is getting tougher than i thought. am i overcommitted, or am i too much of a perfectionist (still)? i don't want to do anything--not even things that i usually like to do. i just want to sleep all the time. but, the thing is, i have things to be looking forward to: time off campus this weekend, service day, apartment searching with megan, mom's birthday, the end of the semester, bachelorette/commencement, israel, the summer. i just can't get excited about any of these things. is it because i'm worried about the academics? is it because i'm just tired of thinking critically all the time?

Oh be the music in my head,
the air around my bed, oh be my rest.
Replace the small disgraces of
the times and places that I never really left.
Did you leave the darkness without me?
You're always miles ahead.
And you're standing in tomorrow on the runway.

i don't know what this means, but i discovered it today (a la a mix cd left here by eliza), and i think it's kinda beautiful.

7 weeks to go

God, jump start my motivation.

unanswered question

i think i feel smallest when i'm surrounded by a crowd of other people, each with their own unique stories and struggles and joys and relationships, all of them interacting with each other.

or when i'm on the highway and there are lots of cars around me, each one carrying individuals travelling for a various list of reasons, maybe rushing home to be with their spouses, maybe late for work... each with their own life.

that's when i feel small.

don't know who st. chrysostom was, but i like him already.

a prayer of st. chrysostom:

Almighty God, who has given us grace at this time with one accord to make our common supplication unto thee, and hast promised through thy well-beloved Son that when two or three are gathered together in his Name thou wilt be in the midst of them: Fulfill now, O Lord, the desires and petitions of thy servants as may be best for us; granting us in this world knowledge of thy truth, and in the world to come life everlasting. Amen.

i've been having trouble focusing lately. especially in prayer. so prayers are short, one-sentence things. anne lamott claims that the two best prayers she knows are "help me, help me, help me," and "thank you, thank you, thank you." i hope she's right.

free write to refocus

this dog smells terrible. absolutely horrendous.
i'm missing the murder myster dinner. and it sounded so cool, too.
i can't wait to move back in to my own fantastic apartment. loneliness sucks, you know.
i've been out of drinking water for about an hour now, but i'm just too lazy to get up and refill my bottle.
my little sister is home on spring break.
i just decided that i am NOT going backpacking in georgia over spring break--too much stress in the upcoming weeks.
i'm a little worried about this research paper. i'm not worried about writing it so much as i am worried about my ideas seeming shallow and silly.
a friend and i went to broad street market this morning, and i was impressed yet again.
the dog just sighed at me, like she was annoyed that i'm not paying attention to her. ugh, whatever.
i can't wait to have a soda again. and smoothies.
israel trip cancelled--am i disappointed, or glad to be able to reclaim that time in may?
should i take an online course this summer, or just a regular classroom course?
i did NOT take a shower today. gross.
it's getting dark outside.
lately, i've just wanted to sleep all the time. is this depression setting in again? or am i bored/lonely?
can't i just get a job already? dammit.
there is a loaf of fresh-baked bread sitting in the kitchen. mm.
my self-discipline sucks.
and also, my schedule sometimes sucks. no time to relax, hang with friends, work out? bah!
if i do cityyear next fall, will it be like the real world but with (slightly) better job assignments?

if only i don't bend and break, i'll meet you on the other side, i'll meet you in the light.... (keane)