i can't do it

i just need other people around. everybody has left me, and i've experienced this acutely in the past month: i am not ok alone. i need other people, but who? who cares about me anymore? and not in a pity way, but in a genuine way.

life is so meaningless if there aren't people to share it with, you know?

i don't want my life to be this way, but it's hard to change and i often don't know how.

14,000 things to be happy about

my world has recently been turned upside down. life as i knew it is entirely different now--no more homework, no more school supplies, no more close [in proximity] friend groups, no more jeans and t-shirts kind of days, no more comfortable shoes. grown-up life isn't as ideal as i'd pictured it. not yet, anyway--but i'm only on my second day, so i'm expecting some improvement, at least.

in this time of super-important transitions (which i'm finding kinda difficult, to be honest), i need to remind myself everyday of things that make me happy.

here is the list, in no particular order:

1) cooking for others
2) new [intellectual] ideas
3) farms
4) sharing experiences
5) summertime, right after dinner til dusk
6) moms
7) dangly earrings
8) stories
9) little girls who are cute and wave at me when i'm riding my bike
10) riding my bike... downhill
11) the smell of the shade
12) open windows
13) kittens!
14) organizing things
15) hospitality
16) black cherry Kool-Aid


..to be continued as i discover more things that make me happy.

about forgiveness

about forgiveness
(erin emenheiser, 4/24/08)

yesterday i ate
the strawberries—
your strawberries—
that i saw in the fridge.

it's just that—
they looked so—
i didn't mean to—
i'm sorry.


when the time is right
i promise
to buy you
another quart.

help my unbelief

this morning i was nonchalantly singing through Great is Thy Faithfulness when i stumbled across this line from the chorus: "All I have needed Thy hand hath provided; great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

it struck me how untrue this line is. no--all i have needed, i bought at the grocery store. or all i have needed my parents gave me. i can't honestly say that i depend upon God for any of my material possessions. not in the same way i depend upon my own cash flow.

this begs the question: do we, as affluent Americans, really understand what it might mean for God to provide for all our physical needs?

i say no. but i bet Mike Yankoski, who spent several months living among the homeless in several U.S. cities, understands what it means. his provisions--namely, food--came from others' generosity, and in our culture there's a sense of shame and vulnerability in receiving handouts.

Yankoski writes this: "Begging is hard. It's something you expect hungry dogs to do, but not men and women made in God's image. The minute you put out your hand, or open your guitar case, it feels like you're writing 'failure' and 'weakness' all over yourself. You're telling everyone who comes by, 'I am unable.' The message blares up and down the sidewalk, and across multiple lanes of traffic. And the message doesn't stop screaming until you pull back your hand, or close up your case." this is not some scholar's understanding of what somebody once reported to him--this is a first-hand account.

i can't even imagine.

space to think it through

several recent events/conversations have forced me to seriously consider what i believe about the atonement.

it's definitely not "thank you for the cross" (which is the equivalent of saying, "thank you, God, for killing your son." my God is not a divine child abuser.)

it's not "Jesus, you gave your life for me, therefore i will give my life for you" in an even exchange transaction.

it's more like this: thank you, God, for redemption, for sending your son to redeem us--your creations, your children--who have ignored our brothers' and sisters' needs emotionally, socially, economically, materially, spiritually, etc. we are far from how you have created us to live. but through the prophets, through Jesus, through the early church, you have shown us what you desire of us, how you desire us to live.


the thing is, in my "field" of "work" (or simply my area of interest), substitutionary atonement is not at all useful. "Jesus died for me--wow! i should spend all my time praising him" in an entirely vertical relationship. this says nothing of redemption or redistribution or our responsibility to love our brothers and sisters.

i find it much more helpful to consider the entirety of God's story--from creation to the fall and all the way through redemption. this gives me concrete examples of how God intended for God's creation to live in harmony, in shalom. certainly plead the case of the widow and the fatherless and care for the alien in your land. this is how i have to understand the atonement; nothing else moves me to care for others.

i'm secretly avoiding my homework

yes, i do have thoughts this month.
but unfortunately, they're all tied to various class assignments, and not yet cohesive.

this is a list of things i'm excited about:
1) my senior seminar paper. it's about rethinking charity and ministry with the poor.
2) continuing to plan the baccalaureate 2008 service
3) applying for a specific summer job which seems to fit me perfectly
4) graduation, of course. which right now means not having to read stupid theology textbooks anymore (unless i want to).
5) spring break with my family. and maybe friends.

ok, let's finish this reading before i crash.