taize thought process

sometimes i think. (surprising, right?)

well, sometimes i think my spirituality is a very active (as opposed to a passive) one. this morning during taize as brian was leading us in prayer for the lonely, the oppressed, the anguished, the less fortunate, the lost, etc., all i could think about was what i could do for them. how i could serve them. how i could be Christ to them. i guess in that way i'm practical, too (but that's another idea entirely).

keep us from just praying
move us into action
we must go

i guess prayer changes me more than it changes God (thanks, c. s. lewis). when i hear of others' needs in prayer, it makes me want to DO SOMETHING. i guess this is the Spirit's gift of compassion and helping in me. it certainly wasn't evident a few years ago. praise God for transforming us into His likeness.

maybe this is why i see the Church best as a servant Church. i wrote an entire paper about that last year, and i'm a little bit proud of it (and of myself for writing it).

also, is this God trying to point me towards more details about my calling? or is this me trying to compensate for my inability to be intentional about my own spiritual formation?

ah, sometimes life is unclear. murky at best. like the water that my sister and i used to slop around in in the mountains, catching salamanders and building dams. there was a spring of fresh, clean, cool water (except for that one time when it made my uncle deathly sick) right across the road from my daddy's shack. (i guess that's why they built the shack there and not a half mile down the road. also, the shack does not have electricity or running water or even indoor toilets. mmm, rustic.) but back to my point. this spring water flowed out of the bank in a long pipe, clear and beautiful, but when it hit the dust-laden dirt road, it mixed and became cloudy and muddy and brown before it ran down the ditch alongside the road to the next shack a few miles down.

maybe that's what it looks like when divinity and humanity collide. dirty, cloudy, murky water.

ooh, and let's take it a step further: eventually, when all the sediment settles, the water becomes clearer, and you can see the what's going on at the bottom of the little stream. but it takes a looong time for the dirt to settle. and you have to be patient and still and wait for the commotion to calm down.

hm.

the question is

do i, or don't i?

simple question, simple answer.. right?

doodles in class

in the penultimate class on the day before thanksgiving break, i wrote this in my notes:

pinstripes. 1920's. 3 piece business suits. mmm.
nice italian shoes. with a square toe. yes.
expected to be on the ball all the time.
my 100% all the time.
but sometimes my mind is just elsewhere.
so i run with it. i put my stuff off to the side.
and go with whatever is preoccupying my mind.
is that bad?
is that evidence of my lack of self-discipline?
or is that how the spirit moves in me?
i can't tell.
i don't know.

free verse word association

tyler and i did this for 2 and a half hours tonight. here are some of the more poetical excerpts:

man cannot live on bread alone

but by every word of God

word to your mother

thanks be to God

can you be a little more objective

highlighers that don't smear the ink

there's always more to it than you think

as far as you know

take it easy

slow down, you're moving too fast / frames can't catch you when you're moving like that

slow and steady, but ran out of races

[we should interact like this all the time]

[i think like this often]

one man's trash is another man's treasure

i want to live in the sycamore house this summer

it does not envy, it does not boast

but i'm not episcopalian

mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the lord

and i don't know how to ask for things i want

i want the same things i always have

life is what you make it

if you want to be somebody else, change your mind

what a wonderful world

the first noel, the angel did say

they're really saying "i love you"

this is a test

take the money and run

don't hestitate to focus on what enters your mind

Sunshine on a cloudy day

in the heart of silence god speaks

actions speak louder than words

a beautiful mind

it takes one to know one

[are you doing anything yet?]

[enjoying your words]

foundational values influencing daily behavior

girls behaving badly

life-on-life ministry

drink a fifth of hennessy

abc, 123, baby, you and me

i can count higher

[we've been playing this game for an hour and a half]

[it hasn't gotten boring]

human anatomy catalogued

take you over the edge

brilliance in black

must see

magic carpet ride

acoustic bands play beauty

where eagles fly on a mountain high

short skirt, long jacket

perhaps, perhaps, perhaps

all the more, on bended knee

come, o come, emmanuel

obscure and mysterious

sorry i never told you / all i wanted to say

stuck

ok, here i am, in the midst of finals week, and i'm stuck. i'm longing for home, to sleep in my big bed, to stay up late watching stupid re-runs on mtv with kendra, waking up to the sun illuminating my room, for the comfort of family and the prospect of doing nothing but spending time with them. usually i consider here [messiah college] home. i mean, it's where everything is--my friends, my church, my classes, my work, my youth group [i talk about all these things as if they belong to me, but they don't, and i realize this]. but for some reason i'm just aching to get out of here.

i'm also dealing with some major un-motivation. and it's not just un-motivation to finish my schoolwork, it's just un-motivation to finish these particular assignments--reading from this terribly technical textbook [how about that for alliteration?] and writing paragraphs about retarded leadership issues that i will most likely never face. everything else i'm excited about--my native american cultures exam is actually interesting stuff. even studying for my leadership class shouldn't be that bad, but with this damn text assignment... ugh.

i love my roommate megan. and i can't wait to live with her again next year... IN OUR VERY OWN APARTMENT. we'll [finally] have our own space and our own living area. and we can have sleepovers and christmas parties and picnics and everything. it will be swell.

ok, i think maybe i might be a little bit un-stuck now. time to read/write.

busy as a bee

i like being busy. no, actually, i love it. i love feeling important. and like i'm needed. i like running from activity to activity from 8 am straight through til 8 pm. i like feeling tired at the end of the day. i like feeling that i've accomplished something. i like pleasing people.

but what i don't like is being forced to come to conclusions about such complex topics as the nature and mission of the Church. i'm not very good at expressing myself or communicating my ideas clearly and cleverly. and sometimes (especially in this case) i feel like i don't have anything to say--no comments, no opinions, no nothing.

oh, life is full of such wonderful things. things that comfort us and things that stretch us. i like it that way.