sometimes i write honestly

often i equate logic with God. as in, "if i've made this decision with the logic that God's given me, then it must be God's will, right?"

i wonder what the ancient Greeks would think....

excerpts from a week's worth of ranting

how do i deal with somebody with whom i fundamentally disagree BUT we both (claim to) love and serve the same God? i'm not thinking about disagreeing over little things, like which song to sing, but bigger things like what is the purpose of worship? what is our purpose, what were we created for, how do we understand Jesus' words?

helped to serve food at a breakfast ministry this morning. it was difficult for me to know that people don't eat every day.

shane claiborne makes a point that we no longer know the poor. sure, we write big checks to important sounding charities, we serve weekly at a soup kitchen, we go on missions trips, but we don't know the poor people of our own hometown. better than giving money would be befriending and listening to the poor. derek webb puts these words in God's mouth: "more than just your cash and coins, i want your time, i want your voice. i want the things you just can't give me." (actually, that entire song is beautiful. and painful, all at the same time.)

BUT at the same time, i don't know how to serve/deal with the poor. in what ways can i best serve them? how can i be faithful to God and to them? by listening? by sharing in life together? by treating them like another person, worthy of love? one of anne lamott's phrases comes to mind: "hey, i'm human, you're human, let's be human together for awhile." i think this concept is beginning to form the core of my philosophy of ministry.

what is the point of Christianity? to win souls? to persuade (or trick) people to accept Jesus so they can go to heaven? is it simply a free ticket to heaven, as dr. crane would say? or is it about more? equality, peace, service, shalom. i've seen too many churches this week that are preaching about a ticket to heaven, and it makes me kinda furious.

speed limit 25

is it possible for thoughts to fly through my mind at such high speeds that i can only catch glimpses of them as they rush by?

ridley park

i think i "see God" in nature because i never cease to see something new, something beautiful, something to watch, something moving around. i realized this while i was taking a (brief) walk along a creek tonight. watching the mosquitoes jump around in the water is often more entertaining to me than watching tv.

i look up and down the shore and see the glimmer of bugs skittering around in the still water. but then i get distracted by the rippling reflection of the setting sun in the water, which reminds me of the last sunset i watched at the sea of galilee. and then i follow the water downstream with my eyes, watching it gurgle over the smooth algae-covered rocks. my eyes then catch a glimpse of a tree branch hanging out over the creek, creating the perfect kind of cavern for young explorers. it reminds me of swimming in the creek in the mountains when i was little--and how my sister and i loved it so much. and then i see all the shells under my feet and wonder where they came from. and then... you see?

i guess this all goes to say that i understand more about God the longer i sit with it, the more i learn, the more i observe, the more i am awed by what he or she has created.

while painting my nails, i write this

lately it seems like i'm not finding God in corporate worship settings. and at times i find singing in church awkward--everybody stands around, isolated in their little pews, staring at the screen, blindly reading words. it almost looks like a cult, and i often wonder if we've lost the passion behind our worship.

more often i find God all around me: in the grass, in the trees, in the sky, in the ants, in the water, in the breeze, in the dirt. i still see God as the Creator God. i find God in the beauty and order of this natural world. i find God when i lay in the green, green grass and stare up at the clouds. i find God in the simple moments of everyday life.

but as it turns out, i'm not very good about remembering to look for God in everyday life.

this is the beginning of the fruit of my journalling...

i think i'm starting to understand shane claiborne's concept of spiritual masturbation--"feel-good, emotionally charged Christianity that feels good but never really gives birth to anything." i just picked up claiborne's book, at the recommendation of a few good friends, and have been reading and processing for a few days now.

but the concept of spiritual masturbation didn't sink in until i attended my family's church this past sunday (where the theology is as shallow as the conversation): a sermon that encourages church members to "turn to God," "follow Jesus more closely," and "try to make a difference for God this week." the pastor's conclusion was something like this: "it's ok if you don't want to change your actions to reflect Christ because God still loves you... but just try, ok?" follow this by an explosive praise song--"days of elijah," wtf?--and you've got orgasm. everybody goes home feeling better about their "relationship with God" but it doesn't change the way they act with their families or in traffic or how they spend their time or their money.

when did Jesus' gospel become a porn magazine to encourage this spiritual masturbation?

i am so frustrated with american christianity.